Humans are animals. Sophisticated ones, sure, but there’s a deeply primal aspect to us too. We yearn for freedom, resist being controlled, and often wrestle with our innate desires.
Our sexuality is an integral part of this.
Years ago, I (Greer) dove deep into whether humans are even wired for monogamy. I read books like Dusk at Dawn and The Red Queen, listened to thought-provoking podcasts,and spoke with friends who had some experience in the open-relationship world. The logic made sense—our biology supports attraction for a variety of evolutionary reasons.
But here’s what I found: Humans are more than just RATIONAL beings;
we’re RELATIONAL.
We thrive on connection and love. In-fact we’re wired for tribe and community.
Because without it, we wither away—maybe not physically (except in the case of babies), but definitely mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Studies even show that strong personal relationships can greatly increase the speed of physical healing and longevity.
So, while our biological wiring and hormones can explain our attraction to others, it’s our relational nature that helps us thrive in monogamous union.
What this means is that we can appreciate the beauty of another and even feel the magnetism towards them,
because this is natural - but we don’t act on it.
The key is in how we respond.
It’s okay— and even healthy—to notice and appreciate someone’s beauty.
Denying this natural experience can create subtle barriers in our relationship.
Just the other day, Aaron and I were on a walk when an absolutely gorgeous woman jogged past.
A minute later, I turned to him and said, “Wow, she was a total babe.” There was no comparison, no insecurity—just a simple honoring of the moment.
Earlier in our relationship I would have had thoughts like,
“Oh god, there’s a younger woman…”
“I wonder if Aaron wishes he could have sx with her…”
“I bet she hasn’t had kids…”
These were, of course, simply reflections of my own insecurity & actually had nothing to do with ‘the other woman’ nor my partner.
As I’ve continued to build my inherent sense of “enoughness”(through deepening/healing the relationship with & between my sexuality and physical body) Aaron and I have built a impenetrable foundation of safety and trust through radical honesty.
I’m no longer threatened by the beauty of other women;and I’m also not afraid of appreciating the attractiveness of another man.
There are plenty of good looking men & women out there.
Tons.
To think that we will never find another person attractive (or that our partner will) is kind of like… crazy.
So, what does it mean if I am attracted to people other than my partner?
It’s OK, It doesn’t have to mean ANYTHING about our own attractiveness or our partners.
The red flag however is when ‘noticing the beauty/attraction of another’ becomes a compulsion or infatuation.
Because that is a sign that something’s missing.
True intimacy goes beyond sex or spending time together.
It’s born at the conjunction of truth and love, expanding the depth of connection.
And if you feel like something is lacking in your relationship;
It’s only a matter of time until you start ‘looking’ elsewhere.
This is a can of worms that can gradually build up over time until some day some ‘one’ causes it to burst & that can get super messy, super quickly.
Freedom in a relationship doesn’t mean seeking satisfaction elsewhere—it means feeling free to express your desires and working together to fulfill them.
If you’re drawn to others, ask yourself: Are you simply noticing beauty, or are you seeking fulfilment outside your relationship? The first is natural and healthy; the second points to unmet needs.
Either conversation is bound to trigger insecurities if they’re there.
Get support if needed.
Opening to new levels of honesty requires higher communication skills and a capacity to self-regulate if triggers arise.
The great thing is is that with each growing edge conversation;
any triggers met with higher consciousness
become a gateway to deeper and deeper intimacy,
which is what REALLY expands a relationship into its highest potential.
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